Harmonious Family Life

Siddhi B. Ranjitkar

Nepalis in particular and South Asians in general have been living in large families that hold sometimes four generations together when they have lived on agriculture. Such a family life has been the most joyous for most of the family members probably for all otherwise it cannot hold on all family members together. As the people have started developing from the agricultural to the specialized professions, the large family gradually has disintegrated into smaller families and ultimately to a nuclear family. However, the tradition of the parents living together with the family of sons has continued even today. The relationship between the mother-in-law, and daughter-in-law has been the crucial one for a harmonious family life.

People living on agriculture have usually no problem of even four generations of people including families of parents, sons, grandsons and then great grandchildren living together. While all of them are in the same profession of agriculture, they have worked in the same property together and for the same hours of work. The annual harvest has become the common property. They generate revenues from selling the surplus agricultural products. The money thus generated is used for buying clothing, and other essential goods of non-agricultural products. In such circumstances, everybody does his/her share of work in the field and receive foods and other essentials according to the requirement but not as much as you wish for but as much as you are entitled to. When they work in the agricultural field they have regular meals in the morning and evening at home and mid-day meal in the field. They don’t generate much cash when they have been subsistence farmers, as everything they have produced from the agriculture go for their own consumption. Even today most of the rural people living on agriculture live in a large families.

As most brothers have begun to gradually branching away from the agricultural profession to other professions, the incomes of the members of the same family have started to be different. Brothers taking up some profession other than agriculture work for different hours and have incomes in cash rather than in kinds. They have probably more income than others. At least, the incomes are visible and surplus money goes to savings. Thus, they generate bank deposits. Even though they have been living together they don’t want to share such cash incomes with other brothers. They have such reasons for separating with other brothers. Thus the unequal earnings have split the traditional agriculture-based large families into nuclear families.

Nepalese families live three generations together even in such a nuclear family. The parents, and the family of the son including their children live together. If you have three sons you have a choice of living any one of them. If you have a single son then you don’t have a choice but you live with the son’s family and his children.

You divide the parental properties equally to all the sons, mother and father. If the parents are living with you means you get their property after their death. You are responsible for taking care of all death rites and rituals for which you need to spend a considerable amount of money on the religious and cultural events in the years to come starting from the day of the death of your parents. Other sons will not be responsible for holding any sorts of death rituals. If they do they do for honoring their parents at their own cost.

You are living in a so-called nuclear family. You have parents. One of them or both are living. You have your children, too. When children are quite young, grandparents baby-sit the grandchildren when the parents go for work. Parents particularly the mother helps the daughter-in-law in the household chores. In some cases, mothers become practically housemaids.

If a mother has already lost a husband by death or some other reasons, and lives with her son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren, she practically becomes a housemaid. In this case, a son thinks that his mother has been doing simple household chores; it’s not a big deal. The daughter-in-law thinks that if she is living with her family; so, the mother-in-law needs to work. Such a case arises when the mother-in-law is helpless; she has no choice but to live with her son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren. Such a mother-in-law tries to escape from the family of her son if she can find a place to live a comfortable regular life. Recently, even a well-off mother-in-law has opted for living a nursing home when she finds an appropriate one.

Rarely, a few families of three generations such as grandparents, parents and children living together have a harmonious life. Disharmony is always between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. A mother-in-law always anticipates that the daughter-in-law will do everything for her. She keeps on her mind that the daughter-in-law is the outsider. She tries to rule over her.

You know what the ruling over others means. Nobody likes to accept any command. However, any daughter-in-law remains dormant and accepts the rule of the mother-in-law as long as she cannot bring her husband under her control. Once the husband comes under her umbrella, the rule of mother-in-law comes to an end. The rule of daughter-in-law starts. The daughter-in-law gradually consolidates her power where as the mother-in-law unknowingly loses not only her power but also even the status in the family she has made so much contribution to raise.

The mother-in-law not knowing her power has waned sometimes tries to continue her rule and even complains to her son about the daughter-in-law. She complains to the son about her daughter-in-law but the son will not listen to her, as he has been already brainwashed by his spouse and believes her more than his own mother. Ultimately, the son will say to her mother, “I have married her not to make her a housemaid.” That is the end of the control of the mother-in-law in a household.

Disharmony starts not only the mother-in-law thinking a daughter-in-law an outsider but also the daughter-in-law thinking the mother-in-law a foreign. A mother-in-law thinks, “You can never make a daughter-in-law happy no matter how much you try for it.”  The daughter-in-law remains strange to her. The daughter-in-law in turn believes, “You can never please your mother-in-law.” The languages they speak remain formal. The son in between two women slowly drifts to his spouse leaving the mother away and even starts thinking the mother has been illogical and old fashion and has been behind the times.

Despite her thinking of making a daughter-in-law happy, the mother-in-law does not do so. Her habit of seeking services from the daughter-in-law never goes out of her mind. If she has done a little bit of favor to the daughter-in-law she thinks that she has done a lot for the daughter-in-law that might not even notice what her mother-in-law has done for her. Similarly, the daughter-in-law also thinks that she has done so much for the mother-in-law but she never appreciates her doings.

If the same women are mother and daughter then their relationship is so cordial and harmonious everyone will be envious of them. The mother will spontaneously do everything for her daughter, and worries about her daughter sufferings from anything. Nothing will be difficult for the mother to do for her daughter. The mother never thinks of receiving services from her daughter rather she gladly provides her daughter never ending services in her life.

Similarly, daughters also will do spontaneously everything possible for keeping their mothers happy and healthy. They don’t feel that they have been doing favor when they do such things for their parents but they feel it strongly if they do for their mothers-in-law. The bond between a mother and a daughter is very strong and ever lasting but the bond between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law is very loose and often formal and is breakable at any time.

Alas, daughters become strangers to her parents after they are married off to someone. Daughters need to live with the husband’s parents and their real parents become the members of different households. Married daughters unlike the married sons have no claims on the assets of their parents in Nepal.

Married daughters become strangers to some parents. Some orthodox Hindus believe that they cannot even drink the water at the home of their son-in-law. If they do you don’t know what will happen to them after death and so on.

Married daughters cannot stay with their parents, as their husbands cannot follow them. If you follow the Hindu orthodox belief in ‘you cannot be a resident son-in-law; if you become a resident son-in-law means you are sending your past seven generations to a hell and your ancestors will never accept any offerings you make to them.’ So, it is the most disgraceful thing you do in your life even if you don’t believe in it, and you know that some orthodox Hindus have formulated such rules to keep women at the lower status than men.

One of the alternatives remains to mothers is to go and stay with the married daughters but the sons-in-law are again strangers to the mothers-in-law. They speak formal languages, and remain strangers. In addition, two mothers: one of his own and another of his spouse cannot live together. So, mothers have often limited choices if they cannot compromise with their daughters-in-law on living together under one roof.

August 28, 2010