Taking Care of Parents: Burden or Responsibilities?

BY Siddhi B. Ranjitkar

The old oriental culture particularly the Nepalese culture is to take care of parents at their old age. Generally, Nepalis live in an expanded family sometimes three to four generations together. This ancient culture of living together has been gradually replaced by the new distorted culture of living in a so-called nucleus family.

Recently, Nepalis have begun to alienate from the good old tradition of taking care of old parents. Often old parents are left at the mercy of time because sons consider looking after old parents as more a burden than a responsibility transferred from one generation to another. As a result, some sons have been neglecting their responsibilities whereas daughters have been taking up the burden of caring for two couples of parents: parents of their own and of their husbands.

Our scriptures say that new generation is always indebted to the old generation. We need to pay the debt to our parents taking care of them at their old age and then performing religious and social rituals after their death so that their souls rest in peace. Thus, our tradition has made sons accountable to their parents at their old age; so, Nepalese parents value sons.

Our traditional family culture is to live together with parents, married brothers and grand children at a single home. Incomes of all the family members go to a common treasury. This common fund covers all the family expenses. Usually the senior most male family member manages the household this fund. In consultations with other senior male family members, he makes major decisions. Female family members cannot take part in the decision-making process directly but they do participate in it acting behind the scenes. However, the traditional family system is democratic and transparent. Some experts might say that it is a good old system useful only for an agrarian society in which all family members work together in the filed and earn possibly equally not having disparity in earnings among the family members.

Grandparents usually work as baby-sitters in the traditional Nepalese family. They take care of grand children while their parents work in the field. In the agricultural economy all family members work together in a field. So, small children, toddlers and even infants are left in the care of grandparents.

Normally, Nepalis become grandparents as early as at 40 years of age. So, they are still strong enough to look after grandchildren of all ages. Grandparents enjoy having grandchildren to play with. Their lives are more lively and enjoyable than without small kids around them. So, parents would not have any problems of baby-sitting as long as their parents are around.

In agrarian society senior people have no problem of having two square meals a day; they do not need to worry about illness and other social obligations, as their offspring live together under one roof, and they take care of all these things.

In the traditional family, senior family members live in peace as long as they are alive.  All offspring respect the senior parents and make sure that their old parents live in a cozy environment. Grandchildren give a special respect for the old grandparents and love them very much. So, old parents cannot expect a better life than this sort of the Nepalese traditional family life.

However, the traditional family culture has been gradually changing to the worst for the senior people. Sons have been no more a social security for the senior citizens as used to be. If they have more than one son it becomes disastrous to the old parents as every son thinks that the responsibility of taking care of parents is of another.

Taking care of old parents has become more a burden than a social obligation to sons. In many cases, old parents need to live with different sons in rotation; some sons fetch daily meals in a hot case at their home rather than living together with them. These are the best-case scenarios. The worst-case scenarios are none of the sons look after their old parents. Daughters-in-law deny old parents the contact with grandchildren for fearing of exposing their secrets to grandparents.

Some sons take care of old parents only to inherit their property. Wise parents usually keep their own portion of the family property for their old age. Such family property remains in the form of a hereditary family house or an ancestral land they inherited. Some sons keep their parents with them only to make sure that they leave behind the property for them to enjoy.

Daughters have begun shouldering the responsibility of looking after their parents. Daughters could not be indifferent to the plight of their old parents when sons are reluctant to take care of their parents. So, they extend their supporting hands to their parents. If the current trend of sons neglecting their responsibility of taking care of old parents continues soon daughters will be the only dependable offspring for old parents to rely on.

The modern industrial and materialistic economy might be responsible for the breaking-up of the old tradition of looking after the old parents, as it provides a disparity in earnings among the family members. The more fortunate and hard-working family members surely earn a number of times more than the less fortunate easy going family members. Certainly, the hard-working family members would not like to share his fortune with the lazy member of the family. In this case, the family splits.

When a family splits the old parents become the first victims. They have to make a choice of living with anyone they prefer. It would not be so easy for the old parents to make such a decision; as for them all offspring are equally loved ones. However, the reality is that they need to take a decision; sometimes their decision might go wrong. Then, they face the consequences of such a wrong decision when going against the traditional thinking of caring for old parents is an honor, sons consider it a burden.

The so-called modern nucleus family does not count the benefits of living together with old parents. A nucleus family becomes viable when both spouses work for earnings. In this case they need to leave their children in the care of a baby-sitter as long as they are not of school-going age. If they have parents at home they do not have to worry about baby-sitting.

Currently, we have some child-care centers where parents could leave their children for a day care. The cost of day care usually offsets the income of the spouse if the spouse is not a high-income employee. In addition, any child-care center cannot provide children with love and care grandparents provide them with. So, having parents together with a family might be a bonus than a burden some of us might think today.

The traditional system of a number of families and generations living together is economically more viable than a modern nucleus family. If we live in an extended family of a few generations both the spouses work without bother the baby-sitting, as grandparents or some others would be at home all the time to baby-sit. On the question of disparity in earnings we could solve the problem of unequal earnings contributing equal amount to the household fund.

Everybody would benefit from such a family system. Children would benefit from it, as they would live in a family in which everybody would enjoy the love of other. Old parents would benefit, as they would have a friendly family environment to live in until they depart from this earth for the heavenly abode. Everybody would be living in a micro community in which everybody would contribute to the welfare of all.

Note: This article was first published in ‘The Sunday Post’ on August 30, 1998.